New Living Internet Translations
A collection of anecdotes and famous passages of ancient Chinese philosophy that I have deliberately translated in the most Online manner possible. It’s these specific passages mostly because they’re given as exercises in “Classical Chinese: A Functional Approach.” (Original text in black for Traditional, gray for Simplified.)
巧者勞而知者憂，無能者無所求。
巧者劳而知者忧，无能者无所求。
The skillful are buried under tasks, the wise are plagued by pings; useless people achieve inbox zero.
– Zhuangzi
世有伯樂，然後有千里馬。千里馬常有，而伯樂不常有。故雖有名馬，衹辱於奴隸人之手，駢死於槽櫪之間，不以千里稱也。馬之千里者，一食或盡粟一石。食馬者，不知其能千里而食也。是馬也，雖有千里之能，食不飽，力不足，才美不外見，且欲與常馬等不可得，安求其能千里也？策之不以其道，食之不能盡其材，鳴之而不能通其意，執策而臨之，曰：「天下無馬！」嗚呼！其真無馬邪？其真不知馬也。
世有伯乐，然后有千里马。千里马常有，而伯乐不常有。故虽有名马，衹辱于奴隶人之手，骈死于槽枥之间，不以千里称也。马之千里者，一食或尽粟一石。食马者，不知其能千里而食也。是马也，虽有千里之能，食不饱，力不足，才美不外见，且欲与常马等不可得，安求其能千里也？策之不以其道，食之不能尽其材，鸣之而不能通其意，执策而临之，曰：「天下无马！」呜呼！其真无马邪？其真不知马也。
When the world is graced by people with Horse Autism, then we also have Thousand Mile Horses. Such horses are actually quite common; it’s having enough Horse Autism to recognize them that’s rare. Hence, though a horse may be an S-Rank pull, it is humiliated at the hands of a filthy casual, dying in a stable without ever being recognized as a horse that can run a thousand miles.
Such a horse needs to eat a metric fuckton of grain, but the guy feeding horses couldn’t recognize what he has on his hands without a metric fuckton of help. Hence this horse, though it has such enormous potential, never eats its fill, never unlocks its true power, it never gets a chance to shine and it gets assigned scrub tier on the Horse Leaderboards; who’d look for top talent in the bronze league?
You whip it cruelly, you don’t feed it enough to reach its potential, it cries out to you and you just crack the whip again, grumbling “there ain’t a damn decent horse on this earth;” is it really the horse, or is it your neurotypical ass?
– Tang-era poet Han Yu
“Horse Autism” is translating the name of legendary horse stan Bo Le, used to represent people of his type in general.
天下事有難易乎？為之，則難者亦易矣；不為，則易者亦難矣。人之為學有難易乎？學之，則難者亦易矣；不學，則易者亦難矣。
天下事有难易乎？为之，则难者亦易矣；不为，则易者亦难矣。人之为学有难易乎？学之，则难者亦易矣；不学，则易者亦难矣。
Not sure if any task in life is hard or easy? Put in the work, and hard stuff becomes easy. Slack off, and easy stuff becomes hard. Not sure if going to school is hard or easy? 🌈 TAKE A LOOK 🌈 IN A BOOK 🌈 AND TAKE A GUESS 🌈 DO YOUR !@#$ HOMEWORK.
– advice for children by Peng Duanshu
主不可以怒而興師，將不可以慍而致戰；合于利而動，不合于利而止。怒可以復喜，慍可以復悅，亡國不可以復存，死者不可以復生。故明君慎之，良將警之。
主不可以怒而兴师，将不可以愠而致战；合于利而动，不合于利而止。怒可以复喜，愠可以复悦，亡国不可以复存，死者不可以复生。故明君慎之，良将警之。
Do not post in anger, do not get mired in a flamewar because you’re mad online. If a comment is in your cause’s favor, then post it; if it’s not then FFS stop. Anger can be replaced by cat pics, the maddest online can still learn to touch grass — but a banned account isn’t getting unbanned, and the people who blocked you aren’t gonna unblock. Watch yourself, bro.
– Sun Tzu’s Art of War Social Media
文章合為時而著，歌詩合為事而作。
文章合为时而著，歌诗合为事而作。
Post takes as long as the world needs to hear them, post memes while they’re still funny.
– Tang-era poet Bai Juyi
My “real” translation of this is good too: Prose is for the era, poetry is for the moment.
無欲速，無見小利。欲速，則不達；見小利，則大事不成。
无欲速，无见小利。欲速，则不达；见小利，则大事不成。
The Master said: Do not make haste, do not chase small profits. Moving fast is how you break things, and optimizing for engagement is how you never ship a real product.
– Analects of Confucius
今者臣來，見人於大行，方北面而持其駕，告臣曰：『我欲之楚。』臣曰：『君之楚，將奚為北面？』曰：『吾馬良。』臣曰：『馬雖良，此非楚之路也。』曰：『吾用多。』臣曰：『用雖多，此非楚之路也。』曰：『吾御者善。』『此是者愈善，而離楚愈遠耳。』... 猶至楚而北行也。
今者臣来，见人于大行，方北面而持其驾，告臣曰：『我欲之楚。』臣曰：『君之楚，将奚为北面？』曰：『吾马良。』臣曰：『马虽良，此非楚之路也。』曰：『吾用多。』臣曰：『用虽多，此非楚之路也。』曰：『吾御者善。』『此是者愈善，而离楚愈远耳。』... 犹至楚而北行也。
cite (I tried to fix the quote marks)
The King of Wei wanted to attack the capital of a rival nation. One of his citizens said to him:
So, a funny thing happened on my way here. I was at the Great Crossing, and I saw a guy heading due north. He said to me: “I’m going to the Land of Obvious!”
I said to him, “My dude, the Land of Obvious is famously very south of here! How are you going to get there heading north?”
He said, “I’ve got a good horse.” Dude, no matter how good your horse is, this ain’t the road to Obvious.
He said, “I can spend whatever it costs.” Dude, no amount of money can make this the road to Obvious.
He said, “My driver’s great.” Yeah, great at driving you further and further away from Obvious! This guy, he really needed to TURN AROUND.
– an example on how to tactfully tell your king to knock it the fuck off from Strategies of the Warring States
Note
The Kingdom of Chu was a real place whose name literally meant “clearly seen, readily apparent.” It was often used in anecdotes about someone missing the obvious.